official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
