today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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