i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
