Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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