So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
