Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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