my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
its liver damage thursday
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
