I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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