I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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