Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
