I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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