I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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