if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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