It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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