there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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