Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
