whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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