Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
