I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
