i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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