I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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