The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
