Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
