I'm lost and stupid without you.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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