when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
