There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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