im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
