This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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