I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
