Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
