I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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