I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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