dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
this boner is exhausting
He told me they were just razor bumps!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
