Moan for me like Helen Keller
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
