All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I faked an abortion last night.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
