We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
