he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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