Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
