So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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