RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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