Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
