went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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