The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
