Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
