toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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