My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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