Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
