sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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