Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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