She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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